


Wanting

by sanctuary_for_all



Series: Home [7]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 16:39:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4968397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanctuary_for_all/pseuds/sanctuary_for_all
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim Kirk wasn't the type of person people loved. It was a lesson he'd learned early enough that he never even thought to question it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> This one's weird, and I probably shouldn't even be posting it. Sorry.

Jim Kirk wasn't the type of person people loved. It was a lesson he'd learned early enough that he never even thought to question it.

It was easier to figure out what people wanted from him. Frank wanted a punching bag, which Jim denied him the moment he was old enough to fight back. His mother wanted his father back, but short of that she wanted to not have to be reminded she'd lost him. Jim obliged her in the only way he could, by staying away so she wouldn't have to look into eyes that were so much like George Kirk's.

Teachers wanted his father's son, and when they found him unworthy he made it clear that they had no idea how much trouble he could really be. He made his own chances to learn, secret stolen books hidden where no one would find them. He read voraciously, passed all the tests with flying colors, and smirked while the teachers fumed.

Lovers wanted him for his body or his bad boy reputation, his way with a line making either process that much smoother. He'd thought he'd lost his heart to a girl when he was 15, but when she'd awkwardly explained that someone like her could never date someone like him he learned his lesson. After that, he knew better than to ask for anything more than a little pleasure and companionship. That, at least, no one ever denied him.

(The memory of Gaila saying "I love you" haunted him sometimes. He was sure she couldn't have actually meant it – she was just confused, lost in the romance – but they'd never had the chance to talk about it before Vulcan blew up. She'd been a good person. She'd deserved better than to die being confused about someone like Jim Kirk.)

But Bones ... Bones confused _him_. He hadn't seen him for weeks after that first shuttle ride to the Academy, and though Jim had been oddly disappointed he'd learned a long time ago not to chase after people. Then he'd gotten caught in a bar fight – that tended to happen a lot – and stumbled outside to quietly bleed on the curb. Suddenly, a pair of hands were there.

"Damn it, kid, bruises are not as good a look for you as you seem to think."

It took him a second to recognize the man from the shuttle – he wasn't seeing too good – but when he did he grinned. "Bones! Fancy meeting you here."

Bones scowled. "I didn't like that name the first time you used it, damn it. Now sit still for a second while I check that you haven't broken anything."

Jim had – he knew from long experience what broken ribs felt like – but he didn't say anything while Bones muttered and scowled and dragged him back to his dorm to fix him up properly. He tried to kiss him – the man needed some payment, after all – but Bones batted him away with a comment about overly friendly drunks and deposited him on the couch.

He left without saying goodbye – didn't want to overstay his welcome – but the next time he was broken and bleeding Bones was somehow there again. By the third time, Jim looked up at Bones through bleary eyes and a stabbing pain in his head. "What do you want?" he remembered whispering, not sure if he was even making sense.

Bones's scowl deepened, something Jim wouldn't have thought was even physically possible. "For you to stop trying to get your damn fool self killed."

That made no sense to Jim, even the next morning when both the alcohol and potential head injury were no longer an issue. He knew there had to be more to it than that – he must be missing something somehow. He clearly needed to study the man more closely if he wanted any chance of figuring it out.

So he stayed and made breakfast, waking up Bones obnoxiously early so he could listen to him grumble.

After that, he never really got around to leaving again.

000

Eventually, Jim started to understand friendship. It had its own wants, its own exchanges, but there was something cleaner about it. Bones kept him from bleeding to death, and Jim did his best to make sure the man had a little fun in his life. Bones kept him distracted on his birthday, and Jim did the same for him on his anniversary. It wasn't really enough to explain it – the other med students liked Bones well enough to give him other friend options, and Jim knew he was more trouble than he was worth – but it made it easier not to think about it.

When he got the Enterprise, he made more friends. At first Spock had wanted nothing more than for Jim to take a short drive off a tall cliff, but the encounter with Old Spock had shown Jim how lonely the Vulcan was. The both understood what it was like to be lost little boys, hated by everyone else, and Jim didn't mind teaching Spock everything Bones had taught him.

Uhura was a surprise, though Jim suspected that his overtures of friendship to Spock had done more to earn her respect than saving Earth had. Scotty and Sulu were a little crazy in the best possible way, Chekov loyal and eager, and Carol smart and sympathetic. He tried to be everything they needed, from a good captain to a listening ear, and they were there when he needed them. He was, it turned out, not bad at being a friend.

Bones made his own friends, developing ties with the other crewmembers that had nothing to do with him. Jim could _see_ the reasons why they were friends, common interests and temperaments that he and Bones didn't share. After their first few months on the ship, he realized that he also scowled at them all less. (In fact, the only person Bones scowled at _more_ than he did Jim was Spock. Their arguments were, without fail, extremely entertaining to watch).

But Bones was always still there, right at his side. After Bones brought him back from the dead, finally accepting the kiss Jim had tried to give him four years before, that closeness extended to bed. It was, surprisingly, not that much different than what they'd had before. It was amazing.

Still, there were some things Jim didn't understand.

"What do you want from me?" he asked one night, Bones sprawled across him like he was staking claim. "I've never been able to figure out that part."

Bones groaned. "Well, a little sleep would be nice right now, but long-term I'd have to go for you letting someone else be the one to run into danger every once in awhile."

It was surprisingly close to the way he'd answered the question, all those years ago. It made Jim's throat tighten. "That's not enough."

Bones lifted his head, confused. "You're offering to exhibit _more_ self-preservation? It's not even my birthday."

Jim shook his head. "That's not what I mean. I mean why are you _with_ me?" His voice was less steady than he'd meant it to be. "What do I give you that you couldn't get from a dozen other people who wouldn't make your life this hard? I've never understood it."

Bones's brow lowered, but there was still confusion on his face. "Haven't we already had this conversation?"

"No, you agreed to start sleeping with me, which is a completely different thing." He smoothed his fingers along Bones's cheek, feeling the echoes of a worry that never really left him. "I need to know what you get from me so I never accidentally stop giving it to you."

Bones just stared at him for a moment, a dozen different emotions in his eyes. "You," he said finally. "I get to be with you."

Jim's chest squeezed tight. "That doesn't make any sense."

Bones made an exasperated noise. "Fine, then. Why are you with me? You could have anyone in the entire damn universe."

"You're...." Jim found himself without words, the feelings caught inside him too big to be labeled and organized properly. "You're _you_."

Bones's expression softened. "And I think you're nuts for thinking that, so now we both know how the other feels." He bent down for a quick, soft kiss, then dropped his head back down against Jim's chest. "Now go to sleep. We're back on shift in a few hours."

Sleep, however, was the furthest thing from Jim's mind. The idea that Bones could feel about him the way he felt about Bones.... "Is this what love feels like?" he asked softly.

He could feel Bones go still against him. "Yeah," he said finally, voice rough with emotion. "I really think it is."

"Ah." Jim felt something untangle inside him as he ran his fingers through Bones's hair. "Good to know."

**Author's Note:**

> Come check out my new original fiction on my [blog](http://jennifferwardell.blogspot.com) or say hi to me on [Tumblr](http://sanctuaryforalluniverses.tumblr.com)!


End file.
